Spin Out of Control
by xFireWorx
Summary: AU. Onesided: NanoFate. A lame excuse, and explanation. Title inspired by Rise Against's "Kotov Syndrome". One shot.


_Hi. So instead of putting some lame excuse in my profile/bio about why I haven't been writing much lately (other than school work) I figured that I try to put it into writing: as seen through the eyes of Nanoha (so in other words: Nanoha's below feelings expressed are completely synonymous with my own). Please don't feel obligated to review though it is helpful even though this is just literally a lame excuse. I'm confused and hurting right now so please bear with me._

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**This is the beginning to your typical love story.**

The question was how could I have not fallen for her? She's beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, and athletic. She's distant, moody, and quiet. She's … completely unaware of my feelings for her, (and hopefully always will be.)

**This **_**would **_**be the beginning to**** your typical love story…**

**.**

**.**

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**except we both happen to be**** girls.**

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Spin Out of Control

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"Hey dad can I take a shower?"

"Sure honey, why not?"

I feel gross after seeing my school's musical**(1)** with Hayate. It was nice to get out of the house, but still our theater is kind of humid for some reason. Absentmindedly, I pinch the hem of my tee shirt and pulled it away from my stomach-only as soon as I release the fabric between my fingers it suctions right back to my abdomen. Ew.

I drift through the pale hallways of my house until I come to our bathroom. Upon entering I step in a small puddle and leftover steam pours out indefinetly. Undoubtedly, this is all due to the sudden overuse of my house's sole shower. It may have something to do with fact that there is an increase of two in current members of the Takamachi household: my brother and sister are both back from college for spring break.

I remove my clothing and fling leaving for my garments to land somewhere on the gray tile. I turn the knob in order to have water gush out while I walk over and turn on the fan. I don't really like turning on the fan because when you get out of the shower the bathroom itself does not get any warmer, so as soon you get out of the shower you freeze. Then again, without the fan... I look up to the bathroom ceiling and catch an eyeful of the rebel mildew festering. Regardless of this plight I step into the shower to be soaked by water, the elixir of li-OUCH! I put on the water much too warm! I feel around the shower shelves for the shampoo bottle and gingerly rub some Dial over my now half scorched body.

I am suddenly hit by a wave of complete lethargy causing me to decide to sit down in the shower. With the water beating my head I feel immersed, but I can still breathe, think, and function. I am not sure if that is necessarily a "good" thing right about now. Peace is inevitably interrupted, but not in an unwelcome fashion: tendrils of my conscious twist and turn back to my close friend… Fate.

I've already told two of my friends that I'm indeed in love. I conveniently neglect to use gender specific pronouns, let alone give them any clues. It's been five months. Five months since that one day in September of the life-altering epiphany. Now, the momentum of my feelings can only continually increase seemingly for perpetuity. Feelings so dizzying that every time I wanted to take a step towards her I only further the distance between us. (Alas, if only I wasn't such a klutz perhaps...).

The mere idea of separation stings my eyes, but _she_ doesn't seem to care about the vast ocean that exists between us now. These sudden sensations rising & crashing while I am trying to keep everything smooth and together on the surface. I'm all churned up inside. Is it not only a matter of time before something surfaces and shows itself to the harsh blazing sun?

I know I can only take so much. Alone at night I shatter. No one has to know. I stand for myself. I can piece myself back together with my dreams. My efforts for isolation have been successful I suppose. Present time: I'm transparent to her. She'll glance right through me to see her boyfriend, and her "better" friends. It's all of my own (un)doing. I will not even pretend it is her fault. The destiny of my heart being shattered (with every soul-searing kiss I witness between those two) was decided eons before I had first ever opened my eyes.

My dad knocks on the door shutting down my raving pity party. "The water has been running for forty minutes! I need to do the dishes so hurry up! Oh, and Nanoha that shower better be _clean_ of _stuff_!. After a quick blush, shush, and assurance that I am almost done I resume my shower removing the remaining suds from my head. I try to tell myself I am okay with the way things are.

I almost do finally convince myself that I didn't need her. I could simply erase any of our memories from my head and continue life normally. Unfortunately, one line from the aforementioned musical, has forever ruined my naïve thoughts: "_Without love, life has no purpose_."

_But what if I don't want to love you?_

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"I _cannot_ believe her." Suzuka starts. She bends down and takes her books from her bottom locker rises back up to full height, and skillfully closes the small metal door with her foot. She glances towards _their_ direction again showing that the obnoxious exhibition of the blonde and the brunette is grating on her nerves as well.

Allow me to paint the picture for those who are not _privileged_ enough to witness it firsthand: Chrono is as usual possessively holding a calm Fate and blocking fifty percent of the hallway. The two lovebirds talk to their amoeba-like posse one smiling, one never. Suzuka turns towards me adjusting the books slightly in her arms. "It's really a shame. Didn't you two used to be really close?"

"Yeah. We did. I guess. Well, she now has her _best friend_ Signum, and her _darling boyfriend_ Chrono. So she's fine at the very least."

Arisa laughs, "Yeah! Chrono's like a freaking parasite! What's up with that? Even most of his friends are complaining now too! Didn't you hear Yuuno the other day…?"

"Nanoha, when did you two start to drift?" Suzuka interrupts a little more focused than Arisa.

"Around five months ago…"

"So, when Chrono first asked her out?" Bullseye. Suzuka has always been good at archery...

"I suppose so."

"Well, you two got into a couple of big fights right after that as I recall…" Arisa painfully reminds and prompts me.

"Yeah. That's not really why we don't talk anymore. We fought a lot. Always. But when people fight with each other like that it means that they care about each other. We slowly became different peoplem, having less in common. Over time though the gap widened between us. Eventually, I guess, we both stopped caring…"

There was a silence. I looked up from my feet to see a woeful Suzuka, and a saddened Arisa.

"Nanoha, have _you_ really stopped caring…?"

"I guess not nyahaha-otherwise I wouldn't be belly-aching about it to you guys, right?" I feel sort of crazy-acting on the whims of a romantic kind was never my thing, but now I find it to be tantilizing choice. Telling my friends the details of this treasured person of mine would be the first step off the precipice. To senseless, mericiful, irrational oblivion? Am I just a ticking biological time bomb? How do I defuse these feelings?

"So why don't you do anything? You look miserable!" Arisa is getting fed up. In her position I would too. I feel badly. I shouldn't do this to them.

"Arisa, Suzuka, thanks for your worrying and listening to me, but I need you to understand that I just _can't_ do anything. It's for the better of the both of us. This way will save us a lot more pain." My head hurts.

"Nanoha…" Suzuka intones sadly as Arisa decides to comfort me by way of glaring at Fate. My heart hurts.

"Sorry guys, but I don't have a free period next. I have history. Later". History. The one class I have with Fate. "News" that was once viewed as being positive. Oh how things can change so quickly with the passage of time.

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I am one of the first to arrive. The artificial lights are off. Leaving me in the natural dark. I place my books on the table and rest my chin on them. I close my eyes and barely register the other rather loud classmates entering. Occasionally, I would muster up the energy to give some of my friends my trademark loose cocky smile pressed out of pure obligation onto my face.

I trace Fate's outline even in my peripheral vision as she selects her usual seat, an achingly nearby one to my own.

Fate seems to be quieter than usual today her eyes dull-even more so than when we first met a little over a year ago. I am being ridiculous (ah, she always used to call me that). I digress. She must be happy. She has good grades, the respect of her teammates in her sports, a loyal _best_ friend (who absolutely hates me-is that another plus?), and of course her loving boyfriend of a few months. I _am_ being ridiculous. Yet something doesn't feel right to me... Rewind to a half a year ago: I would be all over her trying to figure out if there was anything I could possibly do to cheer her up. I shouldn't bother now, and I won't. After all, she has Chrono.

I should be happy for her. Desperation silently seizes me: I _must_ be happy for her. I cannot lower myself to be so selfish otherwise. No matter the burning fixated in my chest. There is a clang to derail my feeble train of thoughts. The clock's big hand lands on the ten. Class has officially begun.

_This is love? I feel so lifeless._

The lecture unsurprisingly fails to catch my interest (in comparison to certain one of my classmates). I find my eyes to trail over to her and we make eye contact for a brief second. I felt a redoubling rush of pain emanate from my chest. I used to love her eyes, whenever I talked to her they shined, they glowed. They had the most wonderful calming effect on me. All I see now is my greiving reflection for the one I purposely lost. Her eyes are glassy-almost asking to be shattered by a skilled _masculine_ hand. Whenever _we_ had collided we would not break. Instead, she would slow me down as I brought her up to speed. Without her I'm spinning out of control. Fate looks fine, but different. Nevertheless fine without me.

_Fate, are you glad we met? Somehow... I still am._

_

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_**(1)** - "Sweet Charity".


End file.
